The past does not always stay in the past—especially when its effects quietly shape everything that follows. For Laxman Sivaramakrishnan, memories from his teenage years in cricket continue to echo decades later, now intersecting with a career decision that has brought those experiences back into public view.
Speaking in an interview with The Indian Express, Sivaramakrishnan revisited moments from his early days around the Indian team—experiences that, at the time, he did not fully understand but would later recognise as deeply formative.
“I just looked at him and said, ‘That’s none of my business, you just do what you need to do.'” he recalled, describing an incident where he was mistaken for ground staff by a senior player while still a teenager.
“I didn’t know what racism or colour discrimination was. I was just wondering why this man had to react like this.”
What began as confusion soon evolved into a pattern. From dressing rooms to domestic circuits, references to his skin colour became frequent. While fielding near the boundary in different parts of India, he would hear chants of “Kalia, tera kya hoga” echoing from the stands—reminders that followed him wherever he played.
A moment that stayed
One of the most enduring memories came during a tour early in his career, when a birthday celebration took a painful turn.
“Hey Sunny, you ordered the right colour cake. Such a dark chocolate cake for a dark boy,” a senior teammate said as recalled by Sivaramakrishnan during the interview.
“I started crying and refused to cut the cake. Sunil Gavaskar had to pacify me and then I cut the cake with tears in my eyes,” Sivaramakrishnan said.
That incident, while singular in moment, became symbolic of a broader environment he struggled to process at a young age.
When past and present collide
Years later, those experiences appear to have resurfaced in a different context—this time in his broadcasting career.
“I am retiring from commentary for BCCI,” Sivaramakrishnan wrote on X (Twitter), bringing an end to a long association with Indian cricket coverage.
I am retiring from commentary for BCCI
— Laxman Sivaramakrishnan (@LaxmanSivarama1) March 20, 2026
His announcement did not come quietly. It carried pointed questions about opportunity and visibility within the system.
If I have not been used for TOSSES and PRESENTATION for 23 years and new comers come in do pitch report Tosses Presentation even when Shastri was coaching, what do you think could be the reason
— Laxman Sivaramakrishnan (@LaxmanSivarama1) March 20, 2026
“If I have not been used for tosses and presentation for 23 years and newcomers come in what do you think could be the reason,” he wrote.
When a user suggested discrimination, his response was direct: “You are right. Colour discrimination.”
The connection between past experiences and present frustrations becomes clearer in the way he frames both—less as isolated incidents and more as part of a continuum.
Lasting psychological impact
The emotional weight of those early years, he explained, did not fade with time.
“All these things put me in a position where I had very low self-esteem as a person. And when you have such very low self-esteem at a tender age, you talk about confidence — it is very hard to build confidence. I always wanted to forget, forget, forget but deep down in your subconscious it’s always rooted and it comes out,” Sivaramakrishnan told Indian Express.
That internal struggle manifested in deeply personal ways.
“I was down completely and I didn’t want to see myself in the mirror. I would have a couple of drinks and go to sleep because I could not bear anything. Whenever I was awake I thought I was going to die,” he added.
Even in later years, those thoughts could resurface unexpectedly.
“Sometimes when we were travelling in Dubai during IPL, there’s no speed limit. If the vehicle went very fast, something would tell me in my mind just to open the door and jump out. Somehow, something stopped me from doing anything silly,” Sivaramakrishnan said.
Sleep itself became difficult, shaped by recurring images and anxiety.
“You close your eyes, you see images that you can’t imagine. All very frightening. You open your eyes, there’s nothing. But you’re so tired that you want to sleep. You close your eyes — dreadful things. Open your eyes — nothing. Again you’re convinced there’s nothing wrong. Close your eyes. For a while. Again. Open your eyes. So there goes your sleep …”
Reaction and wider conversation
His decision to step away from commentary quickly drew reactions across the cricketing community, including from Ravichandran Ashwin, who wrote on X: “Oh no! Why not this IPL?”
Oh no! Why not this IPL? https://t.co/ZufOluzyoG
— Ashwin 🇮🇳 (@ashwinravi99) March 20, 2026
Beyond individual responses, however, the episode has reopened a broader conversation—one that connects past dressing-room culture with present-day structures in broadcasting and opportunity allocation.
“My retirement is nothing great. But a story of TV production unfolds. Soon you will see the bigger picture,” Sivaramakrishnan wrote, hinting at deeper systemic questions yet to surface.
